i'll just rant a bit, may i?

hello, i'm writing this in english and i don't know why, but mainly because this is how i talk when i'm nervous,  i guess, i hide behind a foreign language. Also, this will be extremely prosaic and not written well, i'm honestly too tired to think of good/literative words to say and describe things, so i'll just write very freely, with typos and with weak words. i'm writing this while crying my eyes out, for no clear reason, or maybe for a bunch of reasons that i'm too tired and energy-less to figure out

i felt that i had depression for a long time now, but i thought i was just being a pussy, i was just lazy and i need to get the fuck up and do something

why? because i've read a lot about depression, and from what i've read, it's so fuckin bad, and it is no joke, and you know i feel so worthless about myself all the time, and it was because of that that i thought: "no no, it must be much worse than how i feel, it must be worse than this, what i feel must be nothing compared to this suffering people with depression endure" 

whenever i read an ad, or a facebook post with some stupid title like: "7 signs you have depression", i used to feel guilty for even wanting to check out the article, even though i knew it was most likely a click bait, but still nevertheless, i  felt guilty for even wanting to read about those 7 signs and compare them with what i feel

Two weeks ago, my friend borrowed a psychiatry reference with many other books from that library, we shared the books together, and it was me who took the psychiatry book, i've always been interested in psychiatry actually, and at some point i knew i actually have a major depressive disorder, and it was so weird opening the book and reading about MDD and its symptoms, it was like like reading a whole chapter about my life and my current state of mind, it was the queerest thing i've felt in a while.

,Now today, i've been diagnosed with it, again, and now i know, that all the failures, all the people i've let down, all the confusion and all the loss of interest, all the lack of self esteem, all the let downs, i sincerely did not choose this, i sincerely had no hand in them, i blamed myself for all of them for so long, and disgraced myself much more than i already do for so long, but it was not something i chose to do, i'm not an asshole by nature, i'm not a lazy fuck, it's not my doing, and finally being sure of that, it makes me wanna cry my eyes out till they turn into 2 empty hollow sockets. 
i'm in a deep hole in the ground, miles deep in the ground, with mud and bugs covering my naked body, with tons of dirt and earth all above me, surrounded by the bodies of plague victims, some of them are already starting to experience rigor-mortis, it smells horrible, we're  being prepared to be burned, so we don't toxify your beautiful existence. 

while the children sing from the land above: "ashes ashes, we all fall down"